Off-Topic User Review: Pegasus Toilet

This has nothing to do with astronomy, but I thought I'd post my user review of our new toilet at work...

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Product User Review

Pegasus 1.28 gpf Toilet System

WHAT IS IT?

The Pegasus 1.28 gpf, Model cr@p2, is advertised everywhere as, “The Last Toilet System You Will Ever Need!” Featuring a host of high-tech features, from the modern, “flex” seat made of high-density polymers to the innovative flapper design, this Pegasus 1.28 gpf boasts very high standards for modern, 21st century toilet technology. Only the late, great Thomas Crapper himself could envision such luxury and performance mixed with such tremendous value. But does it live up to the hype?

FEATURES

The Pegasus toilet, newly installed in the men’s faculty “facility,” came as a surprise to all male staffers - and to the envy and dismay of the female staff. And why should the men NOT be excited? The economical 1.28 gpf (gallons per flush) system quietly, yet powerfully eliminates all but the most stubborn of waste products. It is nice to look at; elegant, yet still manly. It complements the rest of the restroom décor. And it boasts new technology that, until now, has never been available to the end-user’s end.

Of note is the mixture of high-tech modernity and old-world elegance; the wine-connoisseur feature-set, all on a beer-budget; the promise of comfort, all the while balancing durability. My gosh! THIS toilet promises the WORLD!

PROS

While this reviewer has long been an advocate of automatic fragrance dispensing systems for men’s’ restroom facilities – even having lobbied for legislation at the federal level for the betterment of mankind – it turns out that, when you consider the power of this toilet system, much of the typical male bathroom odors do not stand a CHANCE against the flushing power of this MONSTER! Similarly, if you use caution (more on this later), comfort is guaranteed as the new-age polymers certainly live up to their billing. No more circulation issues to the legs! Amazingly, entire ITP periods can be spent using this beauty, all the while being able to walk out of the restroom cheerfully on two strong and steady legs.

Likewise, aesthetics are amazing! Being used to a dingy, stinky toilet all year long (and recently with no tank-lid, a self-detaching chain, and the necessity for multiple flushes), I can affirm to you that this toilet invites you in, saying, “All ye who are weak, weary, and hurting…cometh unto me and I shall giveth thou rest (and relief).” Ironic that this toilet speaks in such a high-English dialect, because it certainly looks fancy and pretty enough to play the part!

But this toilet is not without balance. While this toilet exudes outward elegance, it also secrets an inner-strength that even the most confident of ubër-toilets cannot boast! Made with a thick grade of industrial-strength porcelain – named after its inventor and known in the industry as SEYMORE BUTTS-ceramic - I am quite confident that even Superman himself could not crack THIS toilet (assuming good aim, of course).

Functionally, the toilet is the proper height, though taller faculty members might suffer some back issues if they do not properly judge distance to the low-profile, ergonomic seat. The “splash factor” is a minimum; happy to say. The toilet rim does a good job of “Enclosing Extraneous Ejecta,” patented as the “Triple E” design™. And the quiet flush capabilities make you regret ending your business with the Pegasus toilet.

And talk about ease of installation! This puppy was setup before any of our male staffers even noticed, despite the above-average consumption of coffee on the morning of installation. This is a testament to the folks at Pegasus, who most certainly care about the average plumber, and/or do-it-yourselfer. Even so, kudos also to Toilet-Tech personnel here at work!

While female staff members have not yet reviewed this toilet, nor would I expect that they will have the opportunity anytime soon, I cannot speak to how this toilet would work for women. However, for the purpose of this review, I have pretended to be the other persuasion once, and I was left with the feeling that I would certainly enjoy this toilet if I were a woman…at least for longer than my sole hour of pretense.

CONS

Unfortunately, and sadly, no good toilet technology is perfect.

In an attempt to be aesthetically elegant, a MAJOR faux pas was committed…the toilet handle has been BOLDLY placed on the right-hand side of the toilet (as seen while standing). For the majority, right-handed male staff, this has the potential for minor inconvenience at the least, and severe brain-lock at the most. As we all know, one of the few God-given uses for the LEFT hand is to flush toilets. And to make matters even worse, the handle is not located on the front of the tank, but rather on the SIDE. The SIDE! My gosh! Not since the invention of the outhouse has there been such a travesty in the world of toilet-tech!

And I will not stop there!

In an attempt to be boldly innovative, there are two more issues with the toilet handle! The handle has too long of a throw, meaning that a deeper knee-bend is required to fully evacuate all human waste products. I can only imagine the potential for worker’s comp claims should a staffer, such as the bad-backed Mr. Alexander, forget to bend at the knees INSTEAD of the back. Similarly, there is very little resistance to the handle’s “action.” To express this in Newtonian terms, his third law of motion states that “for every action (or force) there must be an equal and opposite re-action (or counter-force).” Unbelievably, when you push down on the handle of this Pegasus toilet, it does NOT push back. The feedback when flushing is simply NOT THERE! IT’S GONE! HOLY COW, handle-feedback ERADICATED for the sake of innovation! Surely, this is an oversight on the part of the Pegasus design team!

Finally, in an attempt to be high-tech, the toilet seat itself falls short of perfection. Users MUST sit straight down on the seat. Likewise, side-to-side shifting must be avoided at all costs on this seat. Guys (and speaking only to the guys here), I mean AT ALL COSTS! Simply put, the fluted rim and small seat-stays combine to a higher than normal PINCH factor.

Comfort; but not without risk! User Beware!

SUMMARY

This new Pegasus 1.28 gpf toilet system definitely lives up to the billing, as long as it is used with caution. I must confess, however, that while I actually enjoy USING the Model cr@p2, it comes with great regret at the time of the concluding flush. Finishing lacks any hint of exhilaration. It lacks meaning. In fact, the flush isn’t excitement – it’s excrement!

Because of this reason, I fear that male faculty members might be persuaded to linger longer in the comfortable confines of the Pegasus 1.28 gpf toilet, enjoying too much of the journey and delaying the ultimate destination. At that point, it could rob us of one of life’s precious advantages to being a man. That is, being able to laugh heartily at the long lines found at the door of ANY women’s restroom.